After 20 years of bliss, bliss as I knew it, our marriage was coming to an end. I knew that. He knew that. He certainly knew it long before I did. He knew it when he was working those late nights. He knew it when he was running to the store for last minute, forgotten items and staying gone for hours. And he definitely knew it when he shacked up with that tramp in an apartment just four blocks from the home where we raised our three children.

I want a divorce he said. I dont love you anymore he said. I want you to fucking burn in hell, I said. He said I needed help. Help for what? Help for the searing pain I felt in my chest and the load of gravel that now inhabited the pit of my stomach? Help for the way I frequently thought of ways for him to die; each more painful and gruesome than the next but yet still loved him with all of my heart? Or how about help for not being able to make the one thing that I thought was right in my life, work? Hell yes, I needed help.

When I told the kids, they werent surprised. They werent sad and they werent sympathetic. They were relieved.

Its about time, Shayla, our oldest daughter had said. What the hell did she know really? She had just graduated high school a year ago and had stupidly stumbled right into the same thing that I had when I was her age. Only 19 years old and she was already married with a baby on the way. I could see her future and it seemed vaguely familiar. Is it wrong that I was a bit giddy about what the future held for her? That when that day finally did come when she would come to me with tears in her eyes and say, Mom, Brandon and I just couldnt make it work. Im going to say, Its about time. Then Im going to laugh.

Blake, our middle child and our only boy, was delighted. Oh mom, he said. As bad as it is, and as much as I love both you and dad, I think that this is a really good thing. Itll be a real relief to see you not hurting anymore. I thought I raised a brighter boy than this. I expected Blake to be devastated. Always the star athlete, his father had taught him everything he knew. He was only 16 years old but he was already being looked at by baseball scouts from various colleges. He had a bright future ahead of him and he had his father to thank for that and yet he was ungrateful.

Then finally our baby, our little Kenzie, 10 years old and always daddys little girl, I expected utter devastation from her. Mama, Im really glad that youre not going to let daddy make you cry anymore, was all she said. Whose children were these? Certainly Robert and I could not have raised them to be so coldhearted. So devoid of any feeling.

I soon found out that this was the general consensus from practically everyone that had been a part of mine and Roberts lives. From our supposed friends, to my family, and even Roberts family seemed to think that marrying him was the biggest mistake I could have ever made. Who were these people? Why had Robert and I spent so much time fraternizing with such two-faced, fickle people? Man, are they going to all look pretty stupid when Robert and I get back together. Then what will they say? I know what theyll say. Theyll say its really great that we could work out our differences. Theyll say that they always knew that we were meant to be; that we are the cutest couple they have ever seen. And we are. We are perfect for each other. Its natural for every couple to hit a couple bumps in the road along the way.

***

The divorce was final today. My heart now resides in the soles of my feet. I had to see Robert today at the courthouse. He still looks as good as he did the first day we met. He brought Linda, or Greta, or Brandy with him. Whatever her name is. I got the house. Whoopee! Who wants a house that is so full of wonderful memories or family and friends but at the same time is lacking so much love? Its just me, Blake, and Kenzie now. They have their own things going on. Theyre old enough to want their privacy so I give it to them. We live like ghosts, haunting a house that was once so full of life.

God I miss him. But if its time he wants, then Ill give him time. Its natural for him to want to see what else is out there. Weve been together for so long he doesnt know anything else. Hell see though. Hell see that theres no other woman out there who is like me. I was specifically made for him. I know it. I feel it. I know deep down he feels it too.

***

Years have gone by. How many years? Does it matter? Robert married Gwen or Hazel or Beckywhatever the hell her name is. It wont last if he couldnt make it last with me, hell never make it last with her. I quit my job. Well, fired is more like it. I just did not have the energy to do it anymore. I didnt have the energy to get out of bed.

Blake moved out. He dropped out of school and left the house. He left our hometown. Maybe he even left the state. I dont know. I blame Robert. Blake was always such a good boy. He became so distant when his father up and left us. Walking around the house barely saying two words to anyone. So I gave him his space. Its what he wanted.

Kenzie, little Kenzie is growing up so quick. Shes a good girl. Rather quiet. Kind of odd. She needs a strong male influence in her life. She likes her books and to be left alone, so I give her room to be alone.

Shaylas expecting her second baby. I rarely see her first child though. Im not much for going out or socializing these days. I certainly was not good enough company for my husband, what could I offer to anyone else?

Ive lost contact with most of the friends that Robert and I made while we were married. It was all too fake for me. Words are empty to me now. Why use them if youre not going to mean them? If youre not going to own everything you say? I love you and forever certainly dont mean anything so what meaning can I find in any other words? I prefer the peace and quiet I find in my sanctuary; my bedroom.

Flipping through an old photo album from when the children were young. I cant see past anything but the fake smiles. I stop on a picture of my mother holding Shayla. A huge smile plastered across her face while an obviously irritated baby Shayla sits red and grumpy, crying in her arms. So why the smile? Why do we try to smile when things are so obviously shitty? Why cant we just show the emotions we want? Like slamming the crying baby down on the floor in frustration? Thats probably what she really felt like doing. Yet here she sits with a phony smile stretched across her face captured in a picture forever showing my mother for what she truly is; a liar.

When I was a little girl, my father passed away. My mother told me that God has a reason for doing the things that He does. She said that He took my father for a reason and that even though we may not see it, theres always a reason. Shes a God damn liar. What good reason could there be for my father dying when I was only 7 years old? Why was Robert no longer in love with me? Where was the good in any of it?

***

Food has lost its appeal to me. I no longer force myself to eat it. Ive lost weight. How much? Does it matter? Everyone tells me that I look horrible. At least now my outside appearance matches the way I feel on the inside. Kenzie is constantly leaving plates of food near my bed, as if she is Annie Sullivan and I am Helen Keller, and instead of giving the blind, deaf, and dumb knowledge, she could miraculously make the starving eat. But at this point, even if I try and force even a cracker into me, only to humor Kenzie, I gag until I can feel my stomach acids rush up through my chest and burn the inside of my raw throat.

Ive begun to look at our old wedding album ritualistically. When the house is quiet, and Im sure Kenzies gone off to bed, I pull out the holy book and stare at the front cover. Scrolled across the front in fancy gold letters are the words, Our Wedding, Our Memories. I tear up every time. That is all it has become. Simply memories. I am no longer living it, nor will I ever live it again. I say a little prayer as I open to the first page. I stare at the woman in the photograph. Who was that voluptuous woman in the photo? The ones whose beauty seemed to overtake the entire photo? Whose eyes were filled with so much promise and whose smile was so wide and bright that it made the white gown she wore, seem brown in comparison? I thought I knew her once. But this was my reality now. My eyes were once filled with so much self-assurance, now empty and filled to the brim with self-loathing.

***

I sat staring at the picture. I could not cry. I didnt have the energy to care anymore. Flipping to the next page I see a picture of Robert and me, cutting the cake. The smile on his face in this photo, always takes my breath away. So happy. So true and reassuring. Why couldnt have been like this forever?

I think back to that day. It comes back to me as thought it just yesterday. I remember that I was a nervous wrecknervous in a good way. I remember that I couldnt wait to see what the future held for the two of us. I knew that it had to be bright. I remember pulling my beautiful wedding gown on and I remember my mother fastening over thirty pearl buttons that ran up the back of the gown. This is heaven, I remember thinking. This has to be heaven. I am far too happy for it to be anything else.

I remember walking down the aisle with my grandfather at my side and a veil over my face. I remember that I could still make out Roberts face at the far end, even through the veil. He looked so handsome. And hes mine. Hes mine forever, I thought. I get to the end and stand in front of the priest and my grandfather lifts my veil. He kisses me on the cheek and leaves me with Robert. As far as I was concerned, it was only the two of us in the church. Thats how I wanted it to always be.

I could never have imagined that this is where that beautiful, hopeful woman from my memories was now. A divorcee and a mother of three. I thought back. For the life

of me, I could not recall the births of our children. I remember being pregnant. I remember the attention that Robert showered me with.

Baby, youre absolutely glowing, he said.

Im sweating, I said.

Youre sexy. Youre carrying my child, he had said.

Im fat, I said, with a smile on my face.

I remember those being the happiest moments of my life. I was carrying our children inside of me. I remember thinking that this was what would connect us for a lifetime.

***

Kenzie no longer left food near my bed. She must have given up on this hopeless case. Kenzie keeps to herself these days. Peeking her head in once and a while to give a quick, Hi mom, then shes gone. How old is she now? Does it matter? Too many years have passed by for me to keep track.

Shayla? Hmm, Shayla? I can not remember the last time I have seen my oldest daughter. She is a mother of two now. She is supposedly happily married. Ive come to realize that nobody is really happily married. How can they be? When youre married, youre always living day to day thinking, Is spouse going to leave me today? Are they having an affair with that cute blonde who works at their office? And if youre not thinking that, than you should be.

Blake is in prison, so I hear. According to a phone call I overheard Kenzie making, hes in there for drug possession and assault. What has happened to him? What has happened to me? I have completely lost touch with my children. The only piece of him that Robert left me when he moved out. They are the bond that should have kept us together. But they couldnt. They werent strong enough. Maybe I wasnt strong enough. I dont know.

Maybe I was never strong enough. I certainly wasnt strong enough to keep my marriage together. I wasnt strong enough to set a good example for my girls. And I was not strong enough to keep my baby boy out of prison. What has happened to my family?

***

Kenzie, I croak. It has been so long since I have tried to yell. My throat burns and itches. I cough. My cough becomes a choke. Kenzie runs into the room, panicked.

Mom, are you okay? Here sit up. Let me get you a glass of water.

Before I can say anything she ran out of the room. I continued to choke. My chokes turned into dry heaves. My racking chest felt as if it was going to shatter and my stomach cramped violently.

Here mama, drink this, she said forcing a glass of water in my hand. Its okay. Drink it all. Here let me help you. She held the glass to my lips; my arms were too weak to do it myself. I cant even hold a glass of water! What have I done to myself?

IwantI want to see a mirror, Kenzie, I said dryly.

Mom, what? A mirror? Why?

Just hand me a mirror, I said angrily. I had to see what I looked like. I had to see what I had done to myself.

Okay, theres a hand mirror on the dresser. Let me get it for you.

She returned with the mirror and held it out in front of me. I closed my eyes. Am I ready? Was I ready to confirm what I already knew? That I knew that I was not going to be the same beautiful, healthy woman I had once been? That I only had myself to blame for this? I slowly opened my eyes.

***

I couldnt stop the tears. What I had seen was worse than I could ever have imagined. My face, once round and full of color, now was gray, thin, and sallow and it was so thin that my teeth and gums protruded out of my mouth. My once beautiful, thick, shiny brown hair was dull and ashen, stingily framing my face. I had always imagined that this was what death looked like. But yet I was alive. Alive, but barely.

I looked at Kenzie with tears in my eyes. My God was she beautiful. So many years I had taken for granted this beautiful soul taking care of me so selflessly. She must have sacrificed so much of her own life just to save mine. She stood before me, 16 years old and breathtakingly beautiful. I made this child, yet I could see of none of myself in her, and I definitely couldnt see any of Robert in her. She grew up on her own. I cried for her, more than I cried for myself.

***

I thought back to that day so long ago. The day that I told my kids that their father and I were getting a divorce. I remember their reactions. I remember resenting them for that. None more so than my youngest, Kenzie. I had expected so much from her. I expected her to be the only one against the idea. But she wasnt.

Mama, Im really glad that youre not going to let daddy make you cry anymore. Thats what she had said. She was wrong in that even long after her daddy was gone, he made me cry. But she was right that I was the one who let him. I cried and I let go. I let go of everything I had felt about Robert, the love and the hate. I let go of the years I had spent questioning the things that I had done wrong and the things I thought I could have done better. But the guilt I felt for abandoning my children? I held on to that.

***

Three months have passed. Im still have not fully recovered, but Im on the road there. I have gained six pounds! I never thought that I would be celebrating the fact that I actually gained weight. But here I am, and Im happy. There are still not a lot of things I can do on my own. For instance, I still cant walk myself to the bathroom when I need to go. And I still cant bathe on my own or eat fully on my own, but hey, Im getting there.

I remember back to when the kids were young. Shayla was only 12, Blake had just turned 9, and Kenzie was only three. I had taken them to the zoo. Just me and them. Exhibit after exhibit and we had yet to see one single animal. The kids were beginning to get anxious.

Mommy, Blake looked up at me with those big, brown, saucer eyes. Where are all of the animals?

Well baby, I tried to explain. I think they are all sleeping.

Thats what we get for coming to the zoo at nap time, Shayla said, huffily.

Pretty soon we came to the monkey exhibit. I prayed that theyd be out. I didnt want the kids to leave disappointed.

When we got there we stared, and stared. My heart sunk. I had hoped at least a couple of them would be out. And then

Look, puppies, three year old Kenzie said, pointing her tiny hand towards the cage.

I looked up and saw one adult monkey, and three smaller monkeys huddled in the corner of the cage behind a leafy branch.

Oh, Mommy, look, monkeys, Blake said, excitedly.

There are four of them, mama! Shayla said. Theyre a family of four! Just like us!

What about your daddy, Shay? I asked. I had wondered how she could possibly have over looked this.

Oh yeah, but he doesnt really count. Theyre a real family, like us, she said gesturing to the four of us peering into the monkey cage.

Looking back, I realize that she was right all along. We really were only a family of four. The four of us at the zoo that day. The four of us who had been equally hurt by Robert. We were the only family that each of us had, and we were the only family that each other needed.

***

I decided this morning that I wanted to take a nice long bubble bath. I needed the hot water to make me new.

Kenzie runs the water and adds the bubbles. Lavender scented. She knows Ive always been fond of lavender. I can here the bath water running from my bed where I lay. The sound of the rushing water soothes me more than any other sound. It always has and I dont know why.

Kenzie stops the water then enters my room. She helps me take my clothes off. I am embarrassed, but I am still too weak to do it on my own. She starts to help me up, but I wrap my arms around her and hold her. I hold my baby who has grown up too fast. I hold the little girl who has become a woman all on her own without me knowing. I hold the beautiful woman that I am so proud to call my daughter.

Kenzie, I love you, I whisper. And I am so proud of you.

I am not sure that she has heard this. There is no response. She lifts me up from the bed and helps me walk slowly to the waiting bath water.

Once in the bath water, I feel an enormous relief. It is then that I truly let go of everything that I held inside of me. I am no longer angry at Robert for leaving. I thank him for doing me that favor. I am no longer angry at myself for being weak. I can almost see the good in this situation. Although it may never be completely clear to me why, I know that God has a reason for all. I will never question that.

Kenzie grabs the wash cloth and begins cleansing my right foot. She starts at the heel and works her way up to the toes. Through this simple gesture, I can feel her love stronger than I have ever felt it.

The telephone rings in the background. Kenzie sets down the wash cloth and runs to answer the ringing phone.

I bask in the sensation of the hot bath and flex my clean toes. As I do this, the wash cloth slips into the tub down to the bottom. I try to reach for it, but I am still too weak.

My back begins to slip down the side of the tub. My head is getting closer and closer to the top of the water. At chin deep, I try, frantically to pull myself up. My arms are still too weak.

I sink lower and lower. My head is submersed by water now. How long have I been under? Five seconds? Five minutes? Does it matter? My reality becomes hazy.

God has a reason for everything, I think. What a God damn lie.